Quick tangent - I had just gotten my teeth all professionally cleaned and polished like ten minutes prior, and the first thing I wanted to do was hit the candy and snacks aisles of Big Lots!. How stupid am I, really?
Anyway, I wandered into the toy aisle and found some toys that only the kids on those Sally Struthers commercials would be happy to receive on Christmas morning. I wish I had a working data cable for my phone, so I could upload the pictures I took.
There was an inflatible Spider-Man mallet. I've read a lot of Spier-Man comic books and boy, let me tell you, without his trusty Spider-Mallet, mister Parker would have been in quite a pickle. A giant, city-crushing pickle. I'm glad somebody has finally immortalized the most trusty tool in Spidey's arsenal in the form of a cheap plastic blow-up plaything.
Also present were three packs of Noah figures that looked like they were supposed to be accessories to a Fisher-Price My First Ark playset or something. With no articulation they could hardly be called action figures, but Noah wouldn't need any kung-fu grip here, because all told I only saw three animals. Not three pairs, mind you. Three animals. One pack of toys was Noah and his wife, one was Noah with a giraffe and some kind of leopard (I think), and another was Noah's son (I guess), with a lion and what looked like two small yellow barrels. Or maybe they were giant yellow beer steins. I assume they were to be filled with Lion Chow or Honey Nut Cheerios or whatever. You need lots of Cheerios on an ark. It's a fact. Saw it on the History Channel and everything.
Great big Chinese-knock-off Voltron-Mechagodzilla-Power-Ranger-looking things! Saw some of those too. Seriously, they were taller than my daughter. Scary toys.
And what kid wouldn't be thrilled with Professional Bull Riders, Inc. toys? Not many, because they only had two left at Big Lots!. I kid you not, two different little plastic bulls, all posed like they had just flung off a rodeo clown and were getting ready to gore him.
Speaking of which, I also saw a four-or-five-pack of rodeo figures, including at least two clowns and, you guessed it, a pissed-off bull. I was too amazed by this next item to take an accurate count...
Rescue Heroes! Probably the most legitimate toys in the bunch, I think I've seen commercials for these things, but, much like with glamorous movie stars, seeing them in real life is another deal altogether. The first one to catch my eye was what at first appeared to be a Native American (I now realize he is supposed to look Asian) in a red sleeveless karate gi, like Ryu had gotten his dry cleaning switched up on him. He was partnered with a big black panther carrying something that resembled a black-and-red beer cooler with, I don't know...legs. This gentleman's name? Marshall Artz. It's a pun, see? Like, martial arts? Except he's a Marshall, that's his title. Like Wildlife Marshall. Or Grand Marshall at the parade. Guess which parade. And as luck would have it, his last name is Artz.
Anyway, the second Rescue Hero was cleverly named Hal E. Copter. And oddly enough, his accessory was an inflatible life raft that doubled as a waterproof MP3 player. You'd think with a name like that, he'd be some kind of helicopter pilot... Ha! Just kidding, he came with some kind of helicopter-backpack thing. Don't wave hello to the nice lady down the block who always wears a low-cut tank top when she's pruning the bushes outside her house as you fly by, Hal. You may accidentally lop off your fapping hand.
Oh, look, I found pictures on Amazon:
I don't know why these things strike me as funny.
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