So I hear Disney bought Marvel...

Being a huge comic book geek, I feel obliged to add my little insignificant voice to the discordant clamor over Disney purchasing Marvel Entertainment for $4 billion.

Just to get it out of the way right off the bat, I don't particularly like Disney. They're in the "big nasty corporation" category that I simply can't bring myself to stomach. I can't help it, I find it very hard to trust any person or entity with a grossly disproportionate share of the wealth, popularity, and/or influence pies.

That said, I think that there's more good that can come from Disney buying Marvel than bad, as long as we limit speculation to the realm of honest probability. The fanboys shouting "mouse ears on Spider-Man" or "Hannah Montana joins the Avengers" with anguished consternation aren't very convincing. The way I see it, the publishing arm of Marvel just isn't worth enough money to Disney to justify them dorking around with it much. More on that in a minute.

In my uneducated opinion, the main reasons Disney mortgaged the House of Ideas are: film distribution and licensing rights. With the success of the Iron Man movie and the relative (to Ang Lee's version) success of The Incredible Hulk, Disney smelled profit and jumped. If that means a bigger budget and/or more talent for future films based on Marvel properties, then I'm all for this deal. Disney's acquisition of Pixar hasn't caused any ripples in the quality of Pixar's output, and while everything Pixar's released since they got bought was pretty much already in the can by that point, I'm sure the Mouse still had plenty of time and opportunity to stick his meddling, kid-gloved fingers into the mix and foul things up if he really wanted to. And near as I can tell, that didn't happen. Further, Disney also owns Miramax, which has put out some fairly edgy films, so I don't have any real fear of Disney suddenly watering down every superhero movie they distribute from here on out just on principle, or because they're "family-friendly." That's not to say it won't happen, just that I give Disney enough credit to recognize that doing so would be a kick in their bottom line's crotch.

As for licensing - yes, Disney will slap The Mighty Thor on any plastic piece of crap they want and sell it for like a 950% markup at their stores and in their parks. Fine, the various companies who've licensed Marvel properties are already doing that (albeit with a bit less markup) and it doesn't affect my affection for the characters. The only difference between the Disney situation and the status quo, in terms of character marketing, is that now I'll probably see a t-shirt with Cyclops high-fiving Goofy before I die. And I will shake my head and walk away from it.

Oh, and what's Disney best known for? Animation. Look, my favorite cartoon right now is (unsurprisingly) The Spectacular Spider-Man, and it is aired on Disney XD. And while it didn't start out there, the fact that the spirit and core of the show didn't change a bit when it switched over is encouraging. Perhaps those episodes were already in the can too, so the future remains to be seen. At any rate, the point I am clumsily ambling toward is that association with Disney can potentially help Marvel properties in many ways when it comes to animated series. Like it or not, Disney is the undisputed king in (Western) animation in terms of technical prowess, if not necessarily story quality or appeal to the over-13 crowd. The 90s Spidey and X-Men cartoons were pretty entertaining at the time, but the animation completely sucked. The Spectacular Spider-Man and Wolverine and the X-Men are considerably better in this regard, but there's still plenty of room for improvement, and who better to do it than the masters with decades of collective experience? I won't even go into the tangible joy that envelops my brain at the thought of a Pixar Spider-Man production, because that's just too much to hope for.

But hey, even if I'm completely, horribly wrong about those points, I'll be happy as long as Disney doesn't start screwing up the actual comics that their newly acquired intellectual property is based upon. The comics are all I really care about. Movies, TV shows, and animated series all deviate from the original source material to various degrees, and so they can be scoffed and/or ignored if they're not up to snuff. Spider-Man 3 didn't "ruin" Venom. The real Venom is still right there in the pages of my comics. Likewise, stupid merchandise doesn't make a dent, and I couldn't care less if a big animatronic Uatu or Galactus makes a new home of Space Mountain. The good stuff is between the pages, in the panels, and Disney had better keep it that way. There's no real reason for them not to; comic books, as much as I love them, haven't exactly been a cash cow in well over a decade. No amount of meddling to make the books more "wholesome" will change that, and thus won't net the Mouse a significant return on his investment.

It would be far more in Disney's best interest to let the pros handle the creative side of the comics, and offer nothing more than financial backing. It would be phenomenal to see Marvel's budget propped up a little, to allow them room to expand and experiment. We'd see more diverse work come out, and given a chance to breathe, rather than get canceled after a scant six or seven issues due to low sales and tight budgets. Niche titles would get a second wind, because not every cult following has the weight of numbers that Spider-Girl's fans had (although ultimately Mayday did fall under the axe). And dammit, more books like Nextwave need to be given a chance to live. I really believe the reason DC is able to put out so much niche, edgy (read: considerably less profitable than Batman) content like the Vertigo line is due to their being a subsidiary of AOL-Time Warner. Disney's big umbrella made of money could easily offer the same opportunity to Marvel. And hey, while you're at it, Disney, why not toss the hard-working writers and artists a bone or two? Like, I dunno, better benefits, or perks that people at "real jobs" take for granted? Maybe even a profit-sharing and pay structure similar to what CrossGen put in place before it collapsed as a result of spreading itself too thin too fast. Only, you know, more realistic (kind of funny how Disney ended up with most of CrossGen's assets). That's probably a pipe dream, but hey.

If Disney's gonna muck about at all in Marvel's publishing business, it would really behoove them to try and engage a younger audience. I don't mean by dumbing down the webhead and pals, at least not in their usual monthly titles. A kid-friendly line funded, at least in part, by Disney coffers would be tremendous. Marvel's had various lines and titles aimed at kids and teens, and they all seem to kind of fade away because they just don't bring in enough money to stay afloat. That kind of money is less than chump change to Disney, though. A solid, long-running, consistent brand of Marvel comics geared toward kids would not only benefit Marvel and Disney, but the entire comic book industry. Too much of Marvel's output is aimed at the aging fanboy crowd, and while I love the more "mature" storylines (when they work and don't simply fall flat), I also realize that ignoring younger generations is slow suicide for comics. There simply isn't enough mainstream comic book material catching kids' eyes, and if anyone can help change that it's Disney, who can afford to operate at a loss for a bit while building a fan base that will just maybe grow up loving comics and wanting to ride that sweet new Black Panther coaster at Disneyland and begging their parents to buy them all the action figures based on the badass new Inhumans animated feature film that they've already gone to see three times. See how that works? Seriously, the amount of capital Disney would lose in publishing some kid-friendly Avengers books could be offset by selling a few extra Jonas Brothers Trapper Keepers. Do they still make Trapper Keepers?

My only fear is that Marvel's edgier lines, Max and Icon, may get watered-down or eradicated completely. I don't think there's a big chance of that happening, given my previous points, but I reserve that modicum of paranoia. I needs me some Powers. Don't take away my Powers, Disney.

All of this may just be unwarranted optimism, and if I'm wrong and Disney does demand that Ghost Rider's head be enveloped in cotton candy instead of flames and the Punisher's guns fire only rubber bands, then I'll be the first one lighting torches and sharpening pitchforks. But look, Marvel went through bankruptcy and came out on the other side smelling like roses. What's more, it was a bankruptcy brought about by a scheming, greedy fat cat who knew nothing about comics and sought to turn Marvel in to a poor man's Disney. I doubt that the people who brought the House of Ideas through that ordeal would willingly walk into a lynching, fist-bumping the guys holding the nooses. Marvel didn't need this deal, and I am holding out hope that they made it with the intent of bettering their properties and not just putting more cash in the Mouse's pockets.

But, as always, I could be wrong.

Things Overheard at the Local Supercuts

Supercuts. Every Time.
Except When We Screw Up. Then, You Know, Someplace Else Might Be A Better Option.

It says that right there on their website. Okay, not the second line, that was my own addition. I got my hair cut at Super(duper)cuts yesterday and came home with a lopsided head. Unfortunately I didn't notice my Gumbyness until I'd been home for an hour or two, and by then the fine establishment had closed. So, I went today after work to ask that they please cancel the hex they'd placed on my 'fro.

I've got to say, I'm glad I did. After explaining my plight and sitting down to read Time Magazine whilst I waited, a woman came in with her son, who was maybe seven years old. Mommy explained that she'd called ahead and the tyke's name was already on the list, blah blah blah, and then they walked over to the little half-shelf where every Get Your Hair And/Or Nails Did place keeps all their magazines. The boy started digging through the literary treasure trove, and Mommy kept saying "did you find it? Is it there?" Naturally, I thought that maybe they'd been waiting in the store earlier, and the kid accidentally left his copy of The Great Gatsby behind (kids read that, right?) and was anxious to retrieve it.

No, actually he was looking for the stupid book with all the pictures of hairstyles in it. People actually use that book? I thought it was there for comedic purposes. Apparently, it's for seven-year-olds who want to look like douchebags but can't decide between Summer's Eve and Massingill. Anyway, while he's perusing the Date Rapist Directory, the store's radio, which is tuned to one of our Greatest Hits From the 80s, 90s, and More stations, begins to play "Jessie's Girl." And I hear the boy singing along. Every word. Why does a seven-year old know all the lyrics to "Jessie's Girl?" I blame Guitar Hero. This is probably a completely baseless accusation.

Then, his mom decides to make a phone call. After sitting and yapping on the phone for about ten minutes, she says something along the lines of "I'd better go outside, I'm being rude to the people in here." Over the course of the next five or six minutes (while still standing inside the store) she repeats it no less than two more times: "I'm being rude to the people here, talking on my phone," before finally stepping outside. One: Supercuts does not equal Library. Two: I get the distinct impression she was sitting in front of the TV with her carrot-cake-flavored Bon Bons this morning and heard Doctor Phil say that it's rude to talk on your cell phone while standing in the middle of a semi-populated retail establishment, and it came as some sort of novel revelation to her. So, like an elementary school student who learns a new swear word, she repeated it at every opportunity. Evidently it's all right to be rude, as long as you acknowledge that you are being rude and make it clear that you don't really want to be. I did not know that.

When she saw through the window that her little pop superstar's name (which I intentionally neglected to file away in my memory) had been called, Mommy stepped back into the store for... some reason. I didn't hear anything she said to the clerk until "sorry, I just stepped outside because I didn't want to be rude." In case you're wondering, the phone was in fact still adhered to the side of her head. It seemed the thought of simply hanging up had completely eluded her, like Dr. Kimble to her mind's Clouseau (Protip: Pop-culture references are not to be mixed lightly). She then darted back outside to continue the conversation. Instead of, I don't know, making sure her little darling's scalp didn't end up perforated by a pair of finely-honed shears.

Oh, there's more. While I was sitting in the barber chair getting my dome reupholstered, I overheard the boy (who had been seated in the chair next to mine) calmly explaining that he would like his hair cut to look like Batista's. So, quick Risk Factor check: Big Rick Springfield fan? Check. Big pro wrestling fan? Check. Inattentive, dull-witted mother? Check. Let that simmer for ten, twelve years, he'll be a real keeper.

Finally, after my coiffure was repaired and I stepped out the door of Supercuts, I overheard a snippet of Mommy's phone conversation: "I'm making money. Oh, I am making money."

Dear Lord, please don't let her be rich, too. The world does not need another Nick Hogan.

And the perfect cap to my outing? On the way home, I saw this huge anti-war protest going on around the clock tower at Largo Central Park. I mean, there must have been at least... three people there, holding signs. No, that's exactly how many there were. Three. And one of them was dressed up as Rorshach. I wouldn't lie about something like that. I'm genetically predisposed towards not making up that kind of crap. Mitch Hedberg once said, "six people isn't convincing." So, even if you allow that Rorshach (even an imposter Rorshach) is as persuasive as four normal men... they still aren't convincing anyone. But it was definitely an "I wish I had my camera" moment.

Next time you need a haircut, go to Supercuts. Every Time.

Here's how much of a nerd I am:

Okay, the new Pepsi logo:




bears a very slight resemblance to the Seamonkey logo:




So when I first started seeing all these Pepsi billboards that just had words written across them and nothing else, with the new logo in place of the letter "O," like this one here, I actually believed for a little while that it was a new Seamonkey logo... and I thought to myself, "Wow, where did the Mozilla Foundation come up with all the money for this big ad campaign?"


Clearly, I am not a Pepsi drinker.

Reality TV Memes

It is with great, agonizing shame that I confess to occasionally watching the circus that calls itself "reality television." I am fully aware that these shows are utterly devoid of intellectual, moral, or sociological value, but there's something almost therapeutic about subjecting myself to this assault on good taste. I can't help but feel better about my own life when I see a bunch of idiots volunteering themselves to be publicly humiliated for weeks on end, in the hopes of gaining some small measure of fame and/or fortune. However much of a fat loser I am, I will never be the guy getting into a drunken fistfight with two other guys over a plate of cold nachos to impress some skank with serious self-esteem issues and a third-grade reading level who, even if I should emerge victorious from the gamut of debasement that comprises this "competition" for her "affection," will only dump me a week after the cameras shut off anyway.

In short, Sheila and I make sport of laughing at morons. We take great joy in it. You do too, don't lie. I can't even count how many ridiculous and sometimes even slightly clever one-liners we swipe from these shows and use in daily interaction with each other, because making fun of stupid people doesn't stop when the TV is turned off. Oh, no.

There's the fake drinking game inspired by Whitney "I Shouldn't Have Beaten Anya" Thompson from ANTM (do a shot every time she says "I'm plus size"), which later morphed into the "I'm a retired model" drinking game that ended too soon when whatever-that-dumb-waif's-name-is was forced to drop off the Rock of Love bus due to health problems. I was looking forward to making fun of her some more. There's our impersonation of Jason and Grant from Ghost Hunters ("Well, we got some video where you can see an eight-foot tall apparition of some sort of ungodly goat-man, which pointed at us and said 'Hey, I'm a ghost, get the f**k out of my house,' and then the dining room table levitated off the ground and anally violated our camera guy, but I just don't think that's enough evidence for us to say this house is haunted"). Then, Real Chance of Love gave us "Fake-ass Puffy," which we declared to be the new "Nappy-headed Ho."

These things are stupid as hell but they make us laugh. We started jokingly referring to them as memes. Really, the only thing that separates a stupid inside joke from a meme is the number of people who are in on the joke.

So our current brain-rotting poison of choice is Tool Academy. This show can only be described as awesome by way of pathetic. Plus, by the time the first episode was halfway over, it had served up two such "memes." In fact, I'd like to see these become actual Internet memes, because everybody should find humor in the things that I think are funny but really shouldn't because they are actually just stupid.

The first (and weaker) of the two is the transformation of the phrase "Mister Awesome" into an adjective. Is something so truly mind-bogglingly amazing that "awesome" alone is painfully ill-equipped to describe it? Well, then, it is Mister Awesome.

I shall present an example:

Dude 1: "Dude, did you see the trailer for Transformers 2?"

Dude 2: "Oh, hells yeah, dude, it was...
"

But the crown jewel in this regalia of buffoonery is: "Mega please." The words tumbled out of that heifer Margo's mouth and into my very central nervous system. To truly appreciate it, it must be understood in its original context, so if you haven't already seen it, check it out here. Suffer through the ad, jump to about the 6:45 point and enjoy.

This phrase (much like the entire show) exudes some kind of primordial, incomprehensible blend of idiocy and brilliance that it makes me want to laugh just thinking about it. It cries out to be meme-ified. Are you perusing your favorite news aggregate site, or discussion forum, or blog, when you come across an incredibly inane, implausible, or otherwise ridiculous comment made by some trollish fop (or, y'know, a stupid post like this one)? Hit 'em with one of these...

...and hear the "Oohhh, snap!" reverberating all across the interwebs.

I might just shop this around over at 4chan. Everyone knows if you want a meme to take hold, it's gotta start at 4chan. Every single Internet meme in the universe originated there. Even memes that existed prior to 4chan originated at 4chan. I don't know how that works. 4chan is a strange and frightening place, to be avoided at all cost. Unless you're trying to get a meme to take root.

I don't want to be that guy, though. You know, the guy who tries to force something to happen that really ought to just happen organically. The guy who makes up a random nickname for himself and insists that other people call him by that nickname in everyday conversation. You can't give yourself a nickname.

I also don't want to be the guy that people come looking for in six months when "Mega please" has run its course, is all over the Internet, and everybody is sick of it but people still keep using it and why won't it go away it's not funny anymore aahhhhhh!!!

So, like I was saying, this is the new Rickroll, people. You saw it here first. Well, no, come to think of it, you probably didn't.